Flash back 7 years (2003)
“WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!!!” the woman screamed at her child in the middle of the bread aisle at Walmart.
Her child cowered in fear as if she was going to reach over and smack him at any second.
I wasn’t privy to what induced such an intense outburst from this woman, but I was horrified that someone would talk to their child that way, especially in a public place.
What a monster, I thought. I will never talk to my child that way.
Flash forward 2 years (2005)
I had driven to Topeka for my first interview with the social worker (before L was with me). This was one of the requirements for adoption from China. One of the many questions asked were what my views were on disciplining a child.
“I don’t think it helps to scream at a child. Unless they are doing something life threatening like running in front of a car, it’s just pointless.” I said calmly with my hands crossed in my lap.
(The woman at the Walmart had entered my mind at that point.)
“I think it is better to try to talk to your child in a calm manner, and explain what the consequences of their behavior will be. If you yell at them, it is just a sign of losing control and that is no way to teach a child to act.”
The social worker wrote furiously as I continued on with my answer.
“I think a child learns how to behave from the way you behave. If you want them to grow into a responsible, non-aggressive, thoughtful adult, you have to show them how to be one. I think children learn behaviors through our example more than anything.” I smiled inside so pleased with my answer.
Flash forward to last Friday, 12/18/2010
I was sick. Sicker than I have been in a long time. Fever, chills, you name it. I had forgotten that kindergartners were starting their vacations early for Christmas so were off on Friday. My plans to rest without interruption ruined.
Here’s a small taste of my day:
8am
I get to sleep very late, but wake up to a small human screaming “Mommy, I’m hungry! Get up!” I somehow muster the strength to crawl out of bed and fix breakfast for L.
8:45am
“Mommy! Can we go outside? I’m bored.”
“No honey, mommy doesn’t feel good and it’s so cold outside. Why don’t I put on some cartoons for you?”
“Okay,” she says, as she slumps down on the couch next to me.
“Mommy is just going to lay her head on this pillow for just a second, okay?”
8:55am
I startle awake and find L in the bathroom with a Q-tip.
“Did you stick that in your ear?” I asked.
“No, I just had a tickle in my ear” she replied, guilt all over her face.
“L, do not stick Q-tips in your ears. Do not stick anything in your ears ever,” I said thinking about how every morning I stick a Q-tip in my ear after my shower so far it probably touches my brain.
Perhaps I’ve been sending the wrong message?
9:00am
“Mommy, can I have a snack?”
“No L, you just had breakfast. Wait until 10am.”
“How long is that?”
“1 hour” I say, noticing the five Band-Aid wrappers scattered all over the floor. (??)
9:30am
After playing a couple games of Connect Four with L, even though I know she has a horrible addiction to my iphone, I ask her if she would like to play a game on it so that I can rest my pounding head on the pillow that is calling my name for just a second. She grins with approval as she grabs it from my hands.
9:50am
I startle awake yet again, and look over at the dining room table to see L coloring.
“Mommy, I’m hungry. Can I have a snack?” (this phrase is usually repeated at least once an hour ever single day while awake, I kid you not. We even get asked for snacks IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER.)
Through my delirium, I peer over at L and notice something is wrong. I stumble over in my weakened state and see clearly. The right side of her bangs have been cut off.
“What the.. did you cut your hair???!!!” I asked, hoping this was just the result of a horribly misplaced barrette.
“No….Oliver did it” she said sheepishly, looking at the tiny scissors laying on the table.
“L! How could you do this to your beautiful hair? What were you thinking?” I yelled as the tears started to roll down my face.
L then began to cry and ran into her room.
I called my sister frantically explaining what had happened.
“Why would she do this?” I asked in a panic.
“Well, don’t worry about. It could be worse. Remember when C. peed in the air vent? She laughed as she retold the story. “Oh, then the time when he stuck poop in the play kitchen freezer at Grandma’s? When I asked him why, his answer was, “I don’t know.”
“Okay, well I better go find her.”
“Don’t worry, it could have been a lot worse,” she quipped in before hanging up the phone.
I went in the room and hugged L, picked her up and carried her into the bathroom, setting her on the counter. I carefully cut the other chunk of bangs off the left side.
“Mommy, do you remember when you cut your hair?” she asked as her legs dangled off the bathroom counter.
I certainly did remember. I decided I wanted long bangs, and attempted to cut my own hair, resulting in having to go to my hairdresser Stella to fix my shoddy job. Now that I think about it, I’m sure L went with me to get it fixed. Oops, yet another bad example.
Flash forward to yesterday 12/21/09
I’ve now sort of gotten over the hair incident. Once again, Stella came to the rescue and evened her up on Saturday, even refusing to let me pay her a dime. Since I had L for the entire day, I decided to run some errands.
We stop in Price Shopper to get some groceries to prepare for our company coming this week to celebrate Christmas. I’m stressed and time is going by quickly with all the things I have to do before the in-laws get into town.
“L, get off the side of the cart. It is going to tip over and I really don’t want you to fall.”
She steps off, only to get back on 5 seconds later.
“L, I said to not stand on the cart. You are going to fall, and I really don’t want to sit in the emergency room all day with you.”
She steps off, only to get back on 10 seconds later.
“L, get off the cart. How many times is this now?” I say in my firm “I mean it” voice.
“Ummmm…3 times” she replies with a big grin.
She steps off, only to get back on 5 seconds later.
I quickly bend down to her level, putting my hands on her shoulders, “Stay off the cart or we are going to leave immediately, do you understand me?!” The words leave my mouth much louder than intended as I notice out of the corner of my eye a woman with three kids under the age of 4 harmoniously making their way through the store together. In fact, they looked like they were having fun. She caught my glance and quickly looked away.
I on the other hand, frazzled, annoyed, and at my wits end have turned into my worst nightmare. The crazy out of control woman in the middle of Walmart screaming at her kid.
We quickly check out and go home.
Later that night, after thinking about the past few days for a while, I went down to the basement to get into my files. There it was in black and white.The section in my adoption paperwork the social worker filled out.
Attitudes towards parenting:
“Amy believes that consistency, following through on consequences and discipline without screaming and nagging are all important principles. She is open to learning new parenting techniques and is currently in the process of reading about attachment issues, parenting, child discipline, etc.”
Oh sure. WhatEVER.
The morals of my story are:
- Our children are like tiny mirrored sponges that soak up our weaknesses and bad behaviors only to reflect them back in our faces at the most inopportune times, so practice what you preach. Of course it’s important to remember something else. They also soak up the love we give to them. And from the reflection I’m seeing back, I’m doing good on that one.
- Don’t take your kid grocery shopping.
